Zurich

I did a corporate training for Kraft Foods' chocolate team in a castle just outside of Zurich.  After the training, they showered me in Daim, Cadbury, and Milka goodies.  My thighs may never recover.

I learned several things on this trip:
1.  In Switzerland, a 2 km taxi ride costs 17 euros.
2.  Global warming is terrible for chocolate sales--people stop buying solid chocolatey confections right around 25° C.  Last Easter was the hottest on record for at least a century in Britain.  Poor Cadbury...so many eggs were put in one hot ass basket (and had to be thrown out).
3. Swiss Franc notes looks like Lichtenstein-y pop art....kind of.

The next day, I spent some time in Zurich.   I was driven there in an Audi A8 by the friendliest driver in the world.  His name was Frank, he spoke 5 languages, has 2 kids and is going to run the Berlin marathon this fall.  He has driven Eminem, David Beckham, and Lady Gaga.  He said Becks was the nicest celebrity he's ever driven.  He asked me not to tell anyone that.  But I'm bad at keeping secrets.

Here's what I can say about Zurich.
1.  It's really, REALLY f***ing expensive (a salad near the lake -- without any sort of protein, mind you -- was 22.50).  For lunch, I bought a banana, chicken salad, a Red Bull and Lindt chocolate bon bons in a COOP grocery store.  It was only about 16 euros.
2.  Everyone drives nice cars.   I was almost run over by an orange Ferrarri Testarossa.
3.  The lake is full of swans.  And kids swimming/rough-housing.  So I guess Swiss kids are usually covered in swan doodoo residue.
4.  Swiss women wear much nicer footwear than Dutch or German women.  Both fragile and ferocious in appearance, they look like they could be blown over by a slight breeze...but also like they could cut you with their sharp extremities..
5.  It's really, really beautiful there.  I wish it wasn't made so rich by Nazi gold.  Neutral, my ass...

Pretty sure those sunbathers are topless.

That pear cost one million euros.

David defeated Goliath, I know that.  But I didn't know he was a Na'vi.

Champagne-filled bon bons.  Heavenly.

This dog is richer than you.

I'm out.  Gotta Google "Swiss Chocoholics Anonymous" meetings...
xx Jess

Sensation White

Sensation White is a dance party.  Scratch that.  Sensation White is a 40,000 person, cult-like rave that is barely contained by the Ajax ArenA (a football stadium just outside of Amsterdam).  Oh, and everyone has to wear white.

This video pretty much sums up how ridiculous it is.  The music is dumb and repetitive, everyone is wasted on something, and the stage is a gigantic glowing lilly pad.  

I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

Those giant balls kept dropping and changing color.   

My phone is terrible at showing how many idiots (like myself) were packed into this firetrap of doom...

Blurry idiots.

Drunk.

Shady aftermath.

We hopped in a taxi around 5:30.

Drinkin dat koolaid like ev'ry day...
x jess

Laughing Babies

Today, at exactly 5:28pm, a baby's cackles roused me from a klein tucci (little nap).  Her father must've been doing something hilarious.

When I listenened more closely, it became obvious that her father was pretending to be a dog.  His commitment level was low.  This baby was laughing at something it didn't find hilarious.  She just wanted attention.

Therefore, I hereby postulate a hypothesis.
Laughing too hard is a learned behavior.  
Although many individuals lose (unlearn) this behavior over time, many don't.

Drunk girls at bars do the same thing.  They laugh too loudly for attention.  Drunk girls are, quite simply, big babies.

Yep.

My New Gym

Working out sucks bawls.  It almost always hurts, it makes you get in weird positions that make you look like a sweaty idiot, and, when done right, you're sore the next day.

Woah.  I just realized something.  Working out is like bad sex.

People who say they like working out are almost always lying.  They either like the high they get after it, the way it makes them look naked, or they just like talking about it smugly as they touch their pecs/abs.

Anyhoo.  I've decided I want to be a TLP (tight little package).  I want guys to feel the urge to pick me up when they see me.  I want to have Jennifer Aniston's arms in season 8 of Friends.  I want to do 10 boy pushups.  In a row.

I started auditioning gyms last week and have found my match.  Club Sportive is close to my house, it's spacious and clean, and freaking GORGEOUS inside.

If David Beckham and Jennifer Lopez gave birth to a gym, my gym would be more beautiful.  And would kick its ass in its own boxing ring.

Nice, right?

I'm obsessed.  And sore from my trainer yesterday.  You can't see me right now but I'm touching my abs.  

Oh no.  I'm already one of them...

xxx,

The Hulkster

Brussels

I've recently come home from Brussels.  Now that I've spent a night there, I can say with confidence that  

Brussels is Amsterdam's waffel-loving, dirtier, fatter sister.  I loved it.

After our corporate show (for a Dutch Boiler company), Haley, Brian and I went to the world-famous Delirium brewery!  I drank two Belgian beers and felt completely schnockered.  Brian had to carry me and Haley home over his shoulders.

After our brew-haha, we stumbled over the the "Grande Place."

Then we found a coffin bar.  The cocktails are deadly...

Brussels makes me look like a zombie.

The hotel where we stayed was awful.   It was conveniently located on Tranny Hooker Alley. I hope I never find it again.  I won't even mention the flies or random hairs on the comforter.  [shudder...]

The next morning, the boys and I walked around Brussels a bit and found the most AMAZING piece of art.  Totally remarkable.  I'm surprised more people don't know about it.  

The "Manneken Pis" is a teeny statue of a little boy peeing.  Well done, Belgians!

Godiva is my favorite. 

xx jess