2009 is ALMOST OVER!!!

Boom's New Year's party is going to be just as big as Halloween.  And perhaps a bit more classy...

The theme is "Mad Men."

Doesn't this poster make you want to party hard?  Me neither.  Marketing team: Fail.

I was thinking about going as a dude and rocking back and forth in a corner all night.  But I decided to quit being a smartass and purchased a pink polkadot dress today from a vintage shop on the Overtoom.  (The owner is the self-proclaimed biggest, most famous drag queen in Amsterdam!!)

***

IN OTHER NEWS:

I'm dying my hair dark brown tomorrow afternoon.  (4.33 French Roast, to be exact.)  This is either the best or the worst decision ever.  The last time I was a brunette, I was on Spring Break with Kat in Puerto Vallarta.

(This is what girls do around 8pm when they are subsisting on a diet consisting solely of Rum and Cokes y Cacahuates con Limon)

I will post pics...if Dutch dye doesn't make my hair fall out.

May Peace and Kisses rain down on you at midnight,

xxxxx, jess

Almost as good as this:

I fell off my bike

Yesterday, on the way to meet Chapman for a delightful afternoon of shopping before rehearsal, I bravely ventured out of my deliciously warm apartment and decided I didn't want to take a tram up to Dam Square.  I wrestled with my bike lock for a few minutes, successfully awoke it from its frigid slumber, and headed up the Overtoom.

Now.  There is something you may not have read in your local papers.  But it's big news.  HUGE.  Amsterdam had 3 inches (errr...7.62 centimeters...) of snow the past few days!!  People are going ape shit!   Little kids are carrying snowballs like baby birds in damp little mittened paws, 30-somethings are slippin and sliding gleefully over bridges, taxi drivers are driving the speed limit...IT'S LOCO.

Back to the story of my downfall (literally): I was 90% done with my trip.  I had carefully navigated several slush puddles when I got to the tricky leg: the Leidseplein (where Boom is located).  Tram tracks, taxi lines, tourists OH MY.

I was about 4 meters behind a delivery truck (a big white van reminiscent of a kidnapper-mobile) when IT happened.  A group of tourists crossed in front of him.  He slammed on the brakes.  I squeeled "SHITT FUCK SHIITTTTTTT" as I also backpedaled, slamming my left shoulder into his back end, tumbling into the icy gutter, HEAD OVER HANDLEBARS.  If it didn't hurt/shock me so much I would have sprung to my feet and done a Rocky dance.  Legit spillage.

About a dozen witnesses crowded around me, a dude rotated my handlebars back to their original position, and asked me if I was ok.  I shamefully pushed my bike over to the theater and pouted as I iced my knee for the next 2 hours.  Ironically, retail therapy would have made me feel a lot better.

***

It still hurts.  And my right knee has puffed up and turned every color of the rainbow.  I'm gonna look BATTERED in my NYE outfit.  No kiss for me, me thinks.

i gotta go stir my stew

xxx, jess

I miss Julie Nichols.

Julie, one of our two musical directors at Boom, moved back to Chicago yesterday.  Everyone misses her terribly already.  I made her this video and premiered it at her roast on Monday night.



Love you, Julie.  You are a treasure.

Spark of Romance

 Dares from colleagues can end in comedy, tragedy, or a mix.  Tonight's dare ended with a valuable lesson.

Chapman, Lolu and I were drinking some Heine-ys at Lux and noticed a particularly boring couple sitting quietly in the corner.  Both very fashionably dressed (she had a bold coif reminiscent of Anna Wintour's banged bob), we couldn't help but notice how incredibly awkward this date must feel as minutes passed between pleasantries.  This is when my "big bros" dared me to do something I was very uncomfortable doing.  Intervening.

BUT...much to my surprise.  Their plan worked.

During this sociological experiment, we discovered something fantastic:
If you ever want to light a spark of romance in a boring couple's conversation at a bar...approach the man when she goes to the powder room and ask if he's in a relationship with her.  If he says "yes," say "she's a lucky girl."  Even if he says "no," giggle and say "I was going to say 'she's a very lucky girl.'"  I saw a lame-ass 30-something couple go from zero to 60 in 7 seconds flat.  As soon as she got back from the bathroom, the deal was practically sealed.  He turned into a Dutch Don Juan...kissing and hugging the shit out of her.

They paid their tab and left, arm in arm, minutes after she returned from the WC and he shot me a huge, victorious smile as they walked by.  :)

Home team wife killers!!

Saving one painful date at a time,
xxx Jessica

PS - Don't dare me to do things.  I can't deny a double dog.

Dutch Babies Don't Cry

Something is wrong in Holland.   Something is wrong with Dutch babies. 

Honestly, I haven't seen a tantrum thrown by anyone under the age of 14 since moving here more than three months ago.   But I did see a a college-aged beauty throw a pretty fantastic freakout as she continuously suckerpunched her boyfriend in the ribs on the back of his vespa.

 Why don't Dutch babies cry?!?!

Why aren't they more demanding and disrespectful in public?!??

Why don't Dutch parents instill a sense of entitlement in their children?!!?!?

Do they all just have a permanent contact high???!?!

I have done a basic sociological experiment in order to explain this alien phenomenon.  There are several factors that exist in Holland (and not in the States) that contribute to the juvenile contentment epidemic (heretofore referred to as the JCE).

Here are my findings.

  TRANSPORTATION

Dutch kiddies are transported in two ways.  And only two ways.

The Bakfiets.

This wheelbarrow/bike hybrid is widely used around Holland to transport tots to-and-fro.  It is my conjecture that

A) physical proximity to Mama and Papa,  B) danger, C) the ability to pretend one is a sack of groceries, and D) seeing one's parents pedal tirelessly to make you go "faster, faster!!"

contribute greatly to JCE.

S

Shoulder Rides.

Dutch dads don't mess around.  Until a kid can keep up with their gigantic stride, they plop Jr. on their shoulders and act as a 6"3" segwey.  Children have to be amazed and grateful for some quality time with Dad as they straddle the nape of his neck and bounce down cobblestone streets. 

In America, the Station Wagon not only forces the driver to face away from his or her children, but it is far too safe and too comfortable.   The lack of effort American parents use to get from point A to point B doesn't earn them brownie points with their spawn.

Honesty

The Dutch are famous for their honesty.  If you smell like a baby prostitute, they'll let you know it.  If you eat more of the crudites platter than the other party guests, they'll let you know.  If your boot needs a new zipper...you get the point.  

My Childhood Psychology class at NU sited several studies which have shown that self esteem is overrated.  In fact, bullies often have HIGH self esteem or inflated senses of selfworth.  

 By letting a shitty kid know they're acting like a little flicker retard, they quickly realize what is reasonable behavior.  No BS.  No sugar-coating.  Tough love is a great parenting strategy.

Lack of Choice/Media Outlets

 

Dutch kids don't have evil Disney fairies whispering in their ears morning, noon, and night.  They are never told they need a Wii Fit or a Bakugan Brawlers giftset or every [racially-ambiguous] Bratz® doll.  Sint (Dutch Santa) might bring them one big present (maybe a dissembled dresser from IKEA) and some chocolate-covered spiced cookies.  That's it.

Who needs a playroom full of electronic whosie-whatsits when you can go feed the swans in the Red Light District canals??  (Seriously...there is a massive flock of swans that live in the canals around the Red Light district.  It's the most bizarre juxtaposition of beauty and squalor I've ever come across...except for that one threesome I had wi...nevermind.)

If I find anything else, I'll let you know.

More posts to come.  I swear.

Stay warm.

xxx, Jess

Overtoom OK Video

Check out the video Chapman, James and I made for the new show!!