Top 3 Halloween Choices

Happy Almost Halloween!!!

 

Boom Chicago throws a HUGE party to celebrate Old Hallow's Eve and I still haven't decided on a costume.  Here are my top three halloween choices:

1.  Scarrie Bradshaw from Sex and the Shitty  (Zombie version of SJP's outfit in the opening credits of Sex and the City with Manolo Blahnik shoebox, weird accessories, and lots of thoughts beginning with rhetorical questions/"made me wonder"...)

2.  Double Dutch (wear two jumpropes with Heineken bottles as handles)

3.  Fruit Fly  (black outfit, wings, and lots of hovering fits around handsome gay men)

Semifinalists:
VanGogh, Scaredy Cat, Panda, Girl with Pearl Earring, Gouda Cutter, Electrical Outlet, Dutch Licorice (Drop), Man Eater


OBJECTIVES TO KEEP IN MIND
1.  I don't want to look like a desperate slut
2.  I want to dance
3.  I don't want to have to explain myself to be understood
4.  I don't have a lot of time/resources/discipline/art supplies
5.  A lot of pictures will be taken, and I can't ruin my future husbo's political career
6.  Dutch people won't get a lot of very American references
6.  I really want to dance


THOUGHTS?!?!
SUGGESTIONS?!?!?!?!?
COMMMMMMMMENNNNNNNNNNNNNT!!!!!

How Could I Fail to Mention My First Girl Fight?

Sacre bleu!  I can't believe I didn't mention in my last post that I was viciously attacked by a bat-crazy bitch (BCB) at the Amsterdam Dance Event on Friday.    Well...ALMOST viciously attacked.  Ok.  She grabbed my boob and pushed me kinda hard.

You comfortable?  Good.

Here's the story.  I was a malenky pyahnitsa  (don't tell Elena...I don't think she's read Clockwork Orange in a while... ) and began to play my favorite dancing game "he doesn't know you're dancing with him."  As you can probably surmise, this game involves me going up behind unsuspecting boys and dancing as hard as I can, for as long as I can, before he notices.  The 8:1 ratio at the event would make this a perfect opportunity for my highest score ever.

I literally chose the ONLY guy in the WHOLE CLUB with a girlfriend.  I dance for 3 seconds behind my unsuspecting victim and, out of nowhere, this crazy snatch flies at me (...from the shadowy depths of hell, apparently...), GRABS MY TIT, and pushes me off her boyfriend.  He didn't know I was there.  I didn't know she was there.   Insane.

I couldn't stop giggling as four of my friends from the theater formed a barricade between me and BCB.  WHAT?!?!

As usual, I giggled and ran the other direction.  Never to hear from BCB again.

Goodnight.  (Turns off lamp)

Amsterdam Dance Event: Best Dutch Pickup Lines

On Friday night, Boom Chicago theater was rented out by a DJ convention to throw an all-night dance party.  It was a meat market sausage party.  I've never felt so desirable in my life, despite looking a hot mess for the duration...

(See?  8 to 1 ratio of dudes to women)

AMAZING DUTCH PICKUP LINES

Here are some of the best lines I heard during the night...  Remember, the Dutch accent kind of sounds like a caveman crossed with a Canadian.  Lots of "uhhhs" and kind of deep/slow.  (That's what she said.)

1.  "Can I ask you something? (pause) Where are you living?"

Am I wrong, or is that a crazy opening line to say to a girl?  Son of a b.

2.  "I have to tell you: you are amazing tonight."

 What if I'm always this amazing?  Huh?  You've never met me before.  What if tonight is on the lower end of my "amazing" trajectory?  Idiot.

 3.  "Tell me your fantasy, blonde girl."

No.

Flattering and disappointing at the same time.  What an unusual combo.

***

Also, I may officially lay to rest about 2000 hairs on my cochlea.  Hearing Aid City, here we come!!

***

Overall, it was a very fun night.  Too bad I've felt like I'm caught in a cheese cloth the past 2 days.  Recovering from parties like this ain't easy.  And Halloween is going to be CRAZYTOWN!!  Maybe I should stick with Belgian beer and Die Hard...

I'm a choreographer?

I don't want to give anything away about the new show we're putting together (opening in the middle of November...!!), but there MIGHT be a scene that begins in a call center in Bangalore and ends with a breathtaking display of slumdoggian fancy footwork.   I love it. 

This is one of my favorite videos:


It's gonna be epic.

Thought of the Day

Cycling with groceries is hard.

I almost crashed into:

1.  The side of a hardware truck

2.  A lampost

3.  A couple making out

4. The tram

That is all.

Weekly Update

Hey again.  As it turns out, I'm fairly shitty at blogging.  I'm going to try and do better in the coming weeks.  The lack of comments, like Obama's Nobel, is a call to action.

SFW (Safe for Work) Items:
HEALTH
    I got extremely sick last Sunday.  My temperature rose to 102.7, my body ached, I oscillated between being covered in sweat and shivering like a crackho', and at one point my fingertips went without blood for an extended period of time (they fell asleep and I couldn't wake them up).  I took a ridiculous amount of over-the-counter medication, slept for 5/6ths of the day, and drank water like it was my job.  I'm still feeling kinda shitty, but at least I don't feel like dying.
    Since I don't have a house doctor yet, Pep set up an appointment for me to see his.  Get this: in Holland, the fee for an office visit is 24.80 Euros.  (That's not a copay.)  Once I get my insurance card, that amount would be completely refunded.  Effing commies.

WEATHER
    Mother Nature must hate Fall (or perhaps is trying to switch things up for Father Time in the celestial bedroom...), because it feels like we went from Summer to Winter.  It's quite windy and dreary on my way to work, I have to wear all of my coats to dinner, and the cycle home is usually accompanied by my acapella whimpers and sniffles.   I am ready to invest in a big overcoat and mittens...as soon as my bank account is set up.  (Still waiting on that...)

NSFW ITEMS
MONEY
   I still don't have my passport number, so I can't apply for my bank account.  Therefore...I'm getting by receiving cash advances from the finance department.  I have some good-old-dollars...but with the exchange rate being the worst in months, that feels like throwing my money away.  I've never lived like this.  I'm a conspicuous consumer.  This system of personal finances has made me re-realize and appreciate how lucky I have been thus far: feeling poor is tough.


LOVE LIFE
    Meeting fellas is easy.  Anything and everything else...isn't.  Sure, there are plenty of drunken chuckle f***ers after each show, waiting (swaying) for their chance to dip their toe in my waters (...I'm not into foot play), but that sort of tryst doesn't interest me.  Maybe growing up with an overly-protective older brother who would call me a slut for anything from wearing mascara, saying "Justin Timberlake is hot," or discovering that I was taking the pill has influenced my view of proper female decorum.  

Anyhoo...I ain't no hollaback girl.

That being said, I would like to make a couple apologies for my actions this past week.  

- To Dimitri, the financial planner from London (working out of Moscow currently), I apologize for hiding in the theater instead of actually getting my coat.  But let's be fair: you have a girlfriend and I saved you from yourself.  Thanks for the insider information, btw.  I'll call Schwab tomorrow morning.

-  To Marshall, the accountant from Sydney (hot damn, you're gorgeous, you Australian vampire), I apologize for making out with you on a bridge and probably giving you Dutch flu last Sunday after the piano bar.  PS - It never would have worked between us.  Your hair is better than mine...what could I have possibly brought to the table?


Time for a show.  COMMENT, Motha Truckas!  I LOVE YOUUUUUUU.

xxx, Jessica

PS  - SOOOO glad Lolu's back from three weeks in the states.  The cast is complete!  Huzzah!

I LOVE OVERNIGHTS!!

Here are some pictures from the insanely fun overnight I performed with Liz, James, and Wee Brian.  The NH Conference Center has a bowling alley, a full game room, and plays ridiculously fun songs til the early morning.  I LOVE OVERNIGHTS!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

xo, J

Overheard at Bonairestraat 37

When I pedaled home after 6 hours of Royale Karaoke (literally), I stumbled into the apartment ready to yell at my roommate for leaving me to sing a JaRule-less Ashanti song.  Then I heard this:

"So that's when my brother got kicked out of India..."

Oh, Tiberius.  You have a type.  :)

Eneco Commercial

Day One!

Adorable houses on the way to our first location, Volendam.

 

Old-ass fishing boats in the Volendam harbor.

 

Rob looking oh-so-American in his wardrobe.

 

The first shot involved us watching Leo and Robert (the two Dutch actors playing our tour guide and bus driver) eating raw herring.  Poor Robert (Dutch Gary Oldman) had to eat about 8 or 9 huge bites.  He looked a bit nauseous after the 6th or 7th take, but, like a true professional, continued to gobble those little brine fishies up like a seagull.

 ***

Then we took the bus to our second location...the famous cheese market in Edam.

 

 

 

"Humans are going to steal what comes out of my 5-nippled udder, churn it, wrap it in thick wax and eat it on the end of pointy sticks.  And they don't see anything weird about that."

 

The Eneco execs wanted there to be a stark difference between chic, gorgeous Dutch extras and sloppy, fanny-packed American tourists.

 

 

"I'm gonna ground your chuck."

 

 

Thanks for the Beemster!

 

Jonathon, an extra, disapproves.  This is the Cheese Mecca.

 

Tackling/Hugging a baby beemster!!  (Notice my shoes...)

 

Edam's Kaas Markt

 

Kaas means cheese.

 

Weirdest extras ever.

 

As Robbie would say, "Adorbs."

Lee and Robbie.

 

Lee, Robbie, and Me.

 

I took out my pigtails during lunch.  Scarlett, the makeup lady, got mad at me.

 

Really mad.

 

Beautiful Edam

 

I gave the horse on the right an apple.   He started foaming at the mouth.  I sidled away...

 

For some reason the cheese makers put the wheels on little colorful boats and run around even more cheese.  When I think of good dairy, I think of pomp and circumstance.

 

Leo and Robert (Dutch Gary Oldman), the stars

 

Shooting on the bus

 

Yay!  A windmill!

 

***

Day Two

 

Madurodam, Tiny Holland!!!

 

 

GIANT DUTCH GARY OLDMAN!!

 

Dan Bruhl would have made a TRILLION Paul Bunyon jokes.

"Vanity Under an Umbrella..."

a portrait series by Rob AndristPlourd

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Can you spot the non-American?

 

 

 

 

Leaving Madurodam in my new shoes.

We finally arrived at our last location.  Here, I fell in love with a dog named Goose.

 

 

Goose eats fruit!

 

Energy of the Future.

 

 

The light is seriously so gorgeous here.  Toto Cray Cray.

 

After the North Sea flood of 1953 (which was one of the worst tragedies in Dutch history...almost 2000 residents in Zeeland drowned on the night of January 31st), the Dutch government commissioned the Delta Works.  This engineering marvel keeps the south western Dutchies nice and dry.

The last shot of the day involved Leo and Robert yelling "Nice wind, huh?" over the noise of a gigantic fan.

 

 

 

 

He survived!!

 

 

 

Rod made me fresh squeezed orange juice.  So I declared "that means we're dating!"

 

Rod and I had a long-lasting bit about extras doing huge, distracting action in the background a'la Ricky Gervais (we're not very original).

 

On the bus, almost done.

Closing shots!!

 

Me with the Director, Bart, and his production team.